A Lesson in Capitalism
by homesicklinguist
Summary: Team Mustang has a Monopoly Night. Written for FMA Headcanon Night.


"Lieutenant, don't. Please. I beg of you!"

"Here's the money, sir, so please hand them over to me."

So far his luck at rolling had been exceptionally bad. He had somehow managed to secure three of the stations, but she and Falman had snatched up all the valuable lots. He was about to come along the lane where Falman and Breda had built several hotels and the only way of getting through this without going broke was to depend on his bad luck with the dice and rolling a low number so that he would land on his station or one of her lots. However, it was her turn first, and she was about to do as Breda and Falman had done and set up some buildings.

Roy begrudgingly handed her two houses, one of which she set up two lots down from his position. He contemplated letting one of the bills disappear into his sleeve, but Havoc had already accused him of cheating before and they had been arguing about it until Fuery had agreed to re-check all transactions. It was futile. He'd have to hope for the best. He rolled. A seven. That was…

"Nooo!"

"Excellent." It was Falman's lot, and it had three hotels. "I'd like to have the Opera House, if you don't mind."

"Wait, no, I-"

"C'mon chief, we know what you have is not enough to pay this lucky bastard's rent!"

"I know, but I want to propose a deal! Lieutenant?"

"Nuh-uh! You've already had your roll, you can't do a transaction like this anymore!" Jean complained.

"We let Fuery do it before though…" Breda interjected.

"Hawkeye?" He kept his eyes on her.

"I'd like to hear the offer," she replied calmly, but when she looked at Falman there was a devious glimmer in her eyes. Falman's mouth twitched and he harrumphed, but otherwise remained silent.

"I see that you have the Theatre place. Falman has the Conservatory, but I'm sure you'd like a chance to get it from him. Buy my Opera House. He might get the money, but the lot will be yours to work with."

"How much?"

"Let's see. I have to pay 228,000. I've still got three stations that will get me about 36,000 if I pawn them over to the bank now. Plus the 69,000 I still have… How about 135,000 centz?"

"I'll pay you 150,000!" He ignored Falman's interruption.

"Riza narrowed her eyes. "I want a station."

"Fine, 135,000 for the Opera House and West City St-"

"East City."

"-_East_ City Station."

"Deal." They exchanged cards and money.

Falman sniffed and put on an indifferent air. "It's not like I need any more lots. I'm going to win anyway."

"Fuery, take these." He gave him the cards and was handed the money for the stations in turn. Now he had nothing left but a bit of small change that wasn't worth anything anymore at this point of the game. Now he had given all he had to Falman. Still, there was a chance he'd move over GO and be able to get the stations back. It wasn't over yet.

It was Havoc's turn next. The round before, he had landed on Breda's lot with two hotels and lost most of his money. It was a miracle he had lasted this long in the game. He didn't have many lots to begin with and as the game progressed, he'd had to turn in or sell some of his lots in order to pay rent, but he still had the two brown lots. He couldn't afford to build anything on them though.

"Ha-haa!" he cheered when his roll sent him over GO and he landed on Fuery's blue lot. He had to pay him half of what he had earned for rent. "But I'm still in for another round!"

Fuery rolled next and had to pull a Community Chest Card. "Go to Jail? Aww, not again!"

Falman's roll sent him to the other lot Riza had just built a hotel on. Falman counted out the rent from the big piles of game cash lying in front of him with an unmoving expression.

Breda rolled and moved to the station Riza had just bought from Roy.

"There you go," he said when he handed her the bills.

"It's no big deal," she said, "Stations are actually pretty much _useless_ unless you own several of them."

"Hey!" Roy's head snapped up at her, but she only blinked innocently at him before rolling the dice. She got to draw a Chance Card.

"It's your birthday. Collect 1000 from each player How nice!"

Havoc gulped. "Now I have only 1000 left…!"

"Excuse you?" Roy snapped, "What am I supposed to say? I've got only 20 left now! 20!"

"Heh, yeah. Seems like you're selling Hawkeye the shirt off your back this game," Havoc jeered.

Roy muttered under his breath. It was his turn again. He took the dice in his fist and shook them for a long time. Then he rolled.

He moved to GO.

"Yes! Finally I'm having some luck around here!" He happily took the 8000 centz for landing directly on the field and laughed in Havocs face.

"That's real nice for you, chief," Breda said whilst munching on a breadstick, "but I don't think that's gonna matter any longer because Falman here looks like he's about to buy the bank."

Roy knew he was as good as toast. And he didn't mind dropping out of the game early. He just didn't want to be the first to be eliminated.

Havoc rolled again and landed on one of Breda's hotel lots.

"Aaaaand I'm out. Damnit!" With a sigh he reached for his cigarette box.

Breda rubbed his hands. "Anyone want to bid for his lots? No? Nice. In that case, three houses for each lot, Fuery, please!" Jean chucked his cards and bills at him. "Hey now, don't be a sore loser!"

"I hope Falman buys your chair out of under you," Havoc growled, "so you fall on your big stupid-"

"_My turn!_" Fuery exclaimed hastily and grabbed for the dice. He rolled on Breda's lot with one hotel.

"Ah. And I just felt so rich for a second. Here." He shoved the dice over to Falman and counted the bills.

"Wait, you get to roll again. It was a doubles," Riza reminded him.

"Really? Oh, I didn't notice. Thanks!" He rolled again. It was another doubles that sent him to Riza's newly acquired lot. He frowned when he picked up the dice again. "I don't know whether I should consider myself lucky or not," he mumbled after he had handed her the money.

"You'd better root for lucky, 'cause the rules here say you'll have to go to Jail again if you roll a doubles again," Jean said without looking up from the game pamphlet he'd been reading since he had dropped out of the game. "Also, 't says here that Mustang's little deal with Hawkeye wasn't 100% legit, but let's not be nit-picky here."

Roy rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "You're too generous."

"Can I roll now?" Fuery asked. "Okay, here goes to not going to Jail again! Although there's no way I'd roll three doubles in a row. … And I just did. Wow."

"Does he have to pay the rent for the lot he'd end up on or does he have to go straight to Jail?" Breda asked while counting the paces to his next lot.

"Straight to Jail, unless he can pay 10,000 for bail."

"So it's go broke or Jail again. Hm." Fuery thought for a bit and sighed deeply. "I guess I'll just go to Jail again." And with this he moved his piece on the Jail field and handed the dice to Falman.

Falman ended up on another Community Chest field. He read out the card.

"There's a charity event in town. You donate 10% of your savings."

"HA!" Roy, Havoc and Breda exclaimed at once. "Justice at last!" – "Serves you right!"

As it turned out, Falman had 1,097,130 centz, so this card didn't really hurt him. There was still plenty of money left for what he planned to do next.

"I'm selling the houses on these lots and want to build hotels there too. Also, I want all the hotels I can get for the lots over there."

Riza's eyes grew wide and Breda turned pale. "Hey now, Vato, old friend! C'mon on, you're gonna win anyway, can't you at least wait until I've passed that lane?" he asked nervously.

"I think, at this point, it's best to make it as quick and painless as possible."

"Ha!" A small outburst of Schadenfreude escaped Fuery's throat, but the glances Riza and Breda threw at him quickly silenced him again.

While Breda rolled and promptly had to sell all of his hotels to pay the rent to Falman, Roy contemplated how he'd be eliminated from the game. If he'd have just a little more luck, he would last longer than Fuery, maybe even longer than Breda. He just couldn't land on any of Riza's fields. Hers were the only ones up next that had any buildings on them. Breda's brown lots were now harmless, and he could even afford to pay the rent for Fuery's lots, if he'd have to. Surely he'd last another round, at the least.

Riza's turn was next and she, too, landed on one of Falman's lots and lost a considerable amount of her money. She turned in some of her hotels and paid the rent with an irritated sigh.

"Just one step more and I'd have landed on GO…"

"Hey, shouldn't we think of a punishment for the loser? It can't be much longer until this game is over," Breda suddenly suggested.

"Um, we already have a loser…" Jean pointed at himself. "Wait, I can't believe I said that about myself!"

"Then the two or three who have to drop out of the game first," Breda amended.

"Losers pay for the winners' tabs at the bar next time we go out for drinks," Riza suggested.

"Losers get a bucket of ice water dumped on them," Falman proposed. "It's a shower, Briggs style!"

Roy shuddered. "Yeah, no. It's freezing outside!" he argued, trying to draw attention from the fact that he hated water.

"It's this or the tab." Falman shrugged. "Once you've been to Briggs, the cold doesn't really bother you anymore. Well, it's your choice."

Breda looked at the game board. He had a pretty good chance of being one of the winners. He wasn't a big drinker, so he didn't have much to gain from having his drinks being paid for. Seeing the Colonel take an ice-shower, however, was something he'd pay hard money for to see.

Riza looked down herself. She was wearing a white dress shirt with a cardigan. She didn't like the idea of having cold water dumped over her in this attire. But then again, her chances for winning were pretty good. She was behind the worst part and about to move over GO. And at least she still had some buildings left, unlike Breda. Or the Colonel.

Oh, poor Colonel. She glanced over at him and saw the raw panic in his eyes.

It wasn't like she didn't have other means to have her drinks be paid for at the bar…

Fuery was worried. He was out of the danger zone for now, but with the luck he'd had this night, he wouldn't take any chances. His salary wasn't big, but it should be enough to pay for some drinks in case he should lose.

Roy was really not keen on being doused with cold water. He'd gladly pay for everyone's drinks if it saved him from the chance of an icy shower. He was a Colonel and a state alchemist. Sums like bar tabs were peanuts to him.

"What do you say?" Falman asked, "Who's for the Briggs style shower?" He, Breda and Riza raised their hands. Roy stared at his first lieutenant and desperately shook his head. She grinned back wickedly.

"It's decided, then," Breda chuckled.

"Hey! Wait! It's three against three, a draw!" Havoc started from his chair.

"Sorry Havoc. You're already out, your vote doesn't count," Falman explained.

"Not fair!"

"You'll get to watch the _other persons_ get showered first!" Riza said comfortingly, but she was looking at Roy when she said that and one of her eyebrows was raised meaningfully.

Roy gritted his teeth and took the dice. He'd been so lucky to land on GO last round when he was in the middle of the minefield that was Falman's lots with their hotels on them. There was no way he'd lose before the others. He surely had at least two rounds before him. Breda was still in the middle of the danger zone and while he might clear the part with one high roll, he might just as well drop out the next round. Fuery was done for, his luck had been terrible all night. And Riza… Well, he only had to do better than Breda and Fuery. Although he really wished he could see her having cold water dumped over her… because of… revenge… for wishing this fate upon him.

He shook the dice even longer than he had before. Squeezing his eyes shut, he rolled.

Everybody leaned over the table to see where the dice would send him to.

"A Chance Card!" He really was so lucky. He eagerly took a card and read the first sentence.

"It's your birthday." Relief washed over him and he started grinning. "Alright, everybody pay 1000!" Breda and Fuery grumbled but reached for their money. Riza leaned over to read the card as well.

"Pay each player 150" she read.

"What?"

"It says you pay. It's different from the card I had." Impossible. She was right!_Pay each player 150._ "So unless you plan on cheating now, I suggest you hand over the- _oh._ That's right."

His face must have been too much because Havoc burst out laughing like a drunk hyena.

"But- … how- I- This… This is NOT FAIR!" he roared over Havoc's laughing. "Why do you get the card that makes everyone pay you and I get the one that – ARGH!"

"With all due respect, sir, you're behaving like a little child."

At that Breda lost his composure and toppled over from laughing so hard. "Our colonel throwing a temper tantrum over a board game…!" he wheezed.

Havoc was holding his stomach. "This just might be worth getting a cold shower for!"

Before he could say any more, Roy flipped the game board in his face, spilling his drink all over Fuery, who had already taken refuge behind the lid of the game box. This only made Havoc laugh harder, so Roy got up from his chair and launched himself at him. Game bills were flying everywhere. Falman was still perplexedly staring at where the board used to be just seconds ago. Breda got himself up to rush to Havocs help, who was about to get strangled by his superior officer.

"_Where are my gloves?_" Roy yelled.

"I'm gonna go and get the camera," Riza remarked dryly and left the table. When she came back, the game board was a pile of ash and the burning remains of the game money were floating through the air.

It was the last time the team had a Monopoly night.


End file.
